That's not make-up. That's make-believe.

This is a great video about body image, and cultural identity sent to me by a good friend of mine.

Please take the time to watch it. You won't be sorry. =)

Cheers! <3

So, guys. =)

You're reading the words of the newest cast member of Saskatchewan Express.

=D

That's right. I owned my audition.

I feel very accomplished right now. And I'll keep you all updated on my progress.

Lets take another step towards embracing one's self...

Measurements.... ICK!

I have to send in my measurements for Saskatchewan Express.

As we've discussed, I'm trying to love my body, but I'm still not there yet. I have NEVER given my measurements to anyone, and because of this fact, I nearly didn't send in my audition forms.

My initial thoughts?

"They're going to see my measurements before they hear my voice and see my talent, and they're not going to give me a real chance to show what I can do!"

I hyperventilated about this for about two hours before finally talking to some friends.

The first friend I talked to was Johnny. His advice was:

Deep breaths, honey. 38 12 38. There's some measurements for you. Actually...You know what? Just send them in. Remember, the worst they can say is no. And if they don't let you sing? Take 'em to court for blatant discrimination. Get a few thousand dollars out of them. That'll learn 'em good!

Now... I'm not really that kind of person. I'd never take someone to court over something like that. But I could certainly threaten! Either way. It was good advice none the less and it DEFINITELY put a smile on my face! However, I still wasn't convinced. So I went to talk to my friend Brendan, who's done two cast for Sask. Express. His advice was pretty much:

You can do it. You're a great vocalist, and generally in winter, vocalists win. I have faith that you can do it. And I have faith that you'll get in. You know how you always tell me to have faith in myself? Well now it's your turn.

Okay. Starting to feel a LITTLE better about this. Next on the chatting roster was Brendan's Girlfriend, and my long-time best friend Dayne. She's just finishing a cast with Saskatchewan Express. One of the things that I love about Dayne, is that she tells things to me straight, because she knows I want the truth. This was no exception. She told me that while she believes I could do it, she's not going to make any promises that the people auditioning me are going to have the same feelings. She explained that the executive director is a woman who was raised as a performer in a time when skinny was everything, and she's very set in her ways. She also gave me a bit more to think about:

Now... While Carol is the Executive Director, she doesn't get ALL the say. They're not going to be able to deny that you're bigger than the usual performers that they have, I'm not going to lie... But they also won't be able to deny the fact that you have a beautiful voice. I'd say make up some measurements, but then your costumes won't fit. That's the only reason they ask for them, really.

I honestly don't know if you'll get in or not, but I know that you certainly won't if you don't even audition. Are they going to judge you on your weight? Or are they going to judge based on your beautiful voice and your ability to move like a queen? Who knows? Not me. But I DO know that you need to try. And I mean... If the job is getting done, who cares what size you are?

Like I said. I love Dayne. She's a good friend and has always been honest with me.

So now, I'm pretty much determined to do this again. I'm back on track. But I didn't even think I OWNED a measuring tape anymore. I thought I'd thrown them all away the last time I had to measure myself, vowing never to do it again. I had mom check the sewing kit.... Oh joy. There's one RIGHT on top. Wonderful.

So. It has come to this. The time to measure myself and send in the results. (Maybe I'm not so big and tough after all!!) I rolled the tape back and forth in my hands for about 20 minutes before mom comes into the room and asks why the long face. When I told her, she had a lecture lined up, like moms often do:

Khanida Simone. (Oh no! Not the middle name!!)Don't you dare be a hypocrite. You preach all these wonderful things about loving your body and owning your curves, and now you're going to let three numbers get in the way of your dream? Nuh uh. It's not like the world's looking at them! It's just the people who need to know for costumes. You know what? I don't want to see you do any more blogging about fat acceptance until you smarten up and stop being a hypocrite.

Ouch. That hurt. But it was the slap in the face I needed.

The defiant little brat inside me took that lecture as a challenge. So after she walked out of the room in a huff, I grabbed the evil measuring tape and took down the numbers. Sure they sting a little bit, but that's what ripping off a band-aid does. I'm taking that one step further and ripping off a bikini wax strip.

You've all seen my tummy in all of it's puckered, jiggly glory, so why not give you the three numbers that I've been hemming and hawing about for the last 10 paragraphs?

56-53-63

Yeah. That's right. I'm a pear.

Take THAT Mom!

And here I come, Saskatchewan Express. Take me or leave me.

Pride in every curve, bump, and roll.

I've been a big girl ever since elementary school. I got made fun of a lot, but I think that's what kids do. As I got older, the teasing settled, but my size was still extremely taboo. It got to a point where I never said any words that alluded to my body. My friends didn't either. I never said the word fat. I never said the words rolls, or heavy. I guess I kind of figured that if I didn't say the words, my fat would just... blend away.

I was sadly mistaken. But you know what? About three months after I graduated, I met a Fat Acceptance Activist who helped me become proud of the curves I have. I may not adore the body I live in, but I'm proud of it. It carries me from point A to point B. It's an able body, and it's taken me through a whole lot. It's been there for me through good times and bad times. It's taken me through really rough patches and back again. It's carried me through love, and heartbreak, and everything in between.

So yeah. I may not love my body fully, but I'm sure as hell proud of what it's been through.

I'm auditioning for a traveling musical review.

Six month contract.

D:

Even though this group is heavy on the choreography, I'm hoping I can do it!

I'm still super nervous about the audition though!!

Warning. Mature Content.

So another blog I follow a lot is fuckyeahchubbygirls.

I read this blog today, and thought I'd share it with you! It's got mature content in the picture and text, just as a warning.

My name’s Kitty Stryker. I’m a fat queer sex worker in the UK, and I love my body (most of the time). When I first started doing sex work, I thought I would never make it, because as much as I liked my body, it wasn’t “hot” enough to be a money maker. This was emphasized when, in the US, I was a pro domme working in a house, and never got advertised or booked. Then I moved to the UK, where I thought things wouldn’t be different, but figured I’d try anyway.

Wow, was I proved wrong. I learned that as an independent sex worker, not only could I pick and choose my clients, but I was honoured and adored for my curves. I didn’t have to only be sexy as a fetish object, a “bbw”- I was sexy not because of or in spite of my fat, but as a woman comfortable in my skin. It was fantastic.

I post this photo from a fun photo shoot with my lover to show other women that it’s awesome to love your body- and it’s ok to have days where you don’t. But don’t let anyone tell you how to feel!

If you wanna know what it’s like in my life, check me out at

www.purrversatility.blogspot.com

I just love this woman's confidence. I'm working towards having something like that. I don't mean that I want to be a sex worker, because that's not my goal. Not in the least. But I want to be confident in my body. And her message is awesome! Don't let anyone tell you how to feel!

I've got some more work to do on this, but I figured I'd show it anyways. =D

Art? I think so. =D

So, a friend of mine is another BBW. Her name is Lexi Di. She has a blog too! Look to the left! She's over there. Her blog is called the Jellie Roll. =)

ANYWAYS.

I was playing with my new tablet and I drew a picture for her. It's Lexie in Burlesque!!

BBW use to be very difficult for me to depict in art. I never ended up liking the imperfections that I saw. I always wanted them to be perfect and skinny, just like I wanted to be. I wasn't comfortable enough in my own fat to not find each roll in my art to be unattractive. But now? While I'm not completely comfortable in my skin yet, I'm learning to love the body I have...(hence my theme, here.)

So more recently, my art has taken a turn for the bigger. =)

I've actually been working on a series of BBW Beauties, so be on the lookout for some of those!

This one is done in color as well. I'll post it right now. =)

Let's start where we need the most work.

The Tummy Project.

I've been following that blog on tumblr for a while now. I love the stories. I love the fact that these people love their bodies. I love the fact that they put it all out there and stand proud, no matter what size they are. Another thing that I love about these stories and pictures is that most of these people started out just like me. They had to LEARN to love what they have. So they gave me some inspiration.

My tummy is my least favorite part of my body, so if I'm going to learn to really love myself, I should probably start getting acquainted with the part of me that I avoid. So! Up in the left hand corner is my tummy. We still don't love each other yet, but we're working on it! I want to eventually have a success story to send into The Tummy Project. I want to be proud of what I have and while I may not always want to flaunt it, I don't want to hate looking in the mirror like I sometimes do.

So here's to the Tummy Project, and here's to a tummy project of my own!

Cheers!

Words to live by.

"Life isn’t about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, are dating, or haven’t dated at all. It’s not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isn’t about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it’s not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn’t about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion. It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It’s about what you say and what you mean. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not for what they have. Most of all, it’s about living your life to touch someone else’s."

I found that at http://fuckyeahconfidence.tumblr.com .

It's so very true and I try to live by every word. fuckyeahconfidence is a great blog about learning to love yourself! I read it every day!

Isn't it beautiful?

So, I discovered this picture on Tumblr. (Yes. I have a tumblr. If you'd like to know which it is, let me know. =] ) It was on http://voluptuosity.tumblr.com . I love this particular blog because pretty much every post is a GORGEOUS picture of a BBW.

This picture, to me, is SO powerful. I think all big girls should embody this! Keep your head held high and own your body, because it's beautiful.

New rule.

I shan't ignore this place anymore. =)

So I've been doing alot of thinking lately, and I've made a firm decision for the route of this blog.

I've been looking at alot of fat acceptance activism blogs in the recent weeks and I've drawn the conclusion that I'm really not fond of the approach alot of them take. Many of them simply focus on the negatives; how the media tears fat people down, how the industry discriminates against us, how people always judge us. They focus on everything WRONG with the fatisphere instead of what's beautiful and RIGHT with it. So instead of talking about the problems we face and always being in battle mode, this blog is going to take a different direction.

This is going to be a feel-good fat acceptance blog. ANYTHING negative that I post from here on out will have some sort of happy ending. Or a silver lining.

-Khanny <3

I think falling in love with yourself is difficult.

I'm trying to learn to love myself in a healthy way. It's really not easy. I mean... anyone can love them selves to the point where they become self-important and arrogant... But to love yourself in such a way that actually makes you a better person?




Really. Freakin'. Hard.




I mean... I try to wake up each morning and compliment myself when I look in the mirror. I try to think positively about my accomplishments. I try to be confident and assertive... but all of these things are harder than they sound! While trying to do all of these things, I finding 5 negatives for each positive that I can come up with.




I really want to have a healthy relationship with myself. To learn to trust myself and be happy.




I just didn't expect it to be so difficult.




But you know, there're these moments where it all comes together. I look in the mirror and I can see beauty and confidence. Not only do I SEE it, I FEEL it.




Those moments have been rare so far, but they're totally encouraging. In those moments I can feel myself loving.... me. =) And they're worth it. Very much so.




I just have to keep it up.



-Khanny<3

OHAI!

Th' name's Khanida. =) Nice to meet you.



A few things about me:

• I'm 19 years old.
• I live in Canada.
• I am very artistic.
• I am very musical.
• I consider myself to be intelligent.
• I'm slowly falling in love with myself. (In the healthy way.)
• I am fat.
  

And most importantly:

I am beautiful.

This little patch of internet is for me to celebrate myself and my journey to a new-found love for my body-- no matter WHAT size it is.



Hope I can bring smiles and inspiration to others out there on the same path!



-Khanny. <3